I got a crappy haircut today.

     That movie I asked about awhile back is called “When the Cat’s Away,” or “Chacun cherche son chat” if you’re french. It turns out that everyone in the world (Literally: I got emails from Germany and Holland.) knew this except for me. I recently became obsessed with seeing it again, but couldn’t for the life of me remember the title. Unfortunately, it’s not out on DVD yet. In case you feel like barfing, you might want to click here and learn about a remake in the works starring: Heather Grahm. Blah.

My David Sedaris History:

     I never really read David Sedaris until relatively recently. People had recommended him, but I was always too busy inching (Or perhaps more appropriately, millimeter-ing) my way through some other book to bother. Of course, it didn’t help any when some dude (“dude” in this context means “Kid who looked like he was just visiting from ground zero of an abercrombie EXPLOSION) was all snootty to me when “Me Talk Pretty One Day” came out.

Him: Is this discounted?

Me: No, it just came out, but in two days the new bestseller list will come out and if it’s on it, it will be.

Him: Well it will be. Dave Sedaris is my MAN.

Me. (Pause) Ok.

Him: So since it’ll be on the list in two days, you can give me the discount.

Me: (Pause to check if he is serious) Um, actually no I can’t. I can only give the discount on books that are actually discounted.


Me: (It doesn’t really matter what I said next. He didn’t get a discount. Anyone who walks through life just assuming they should get discounts shouldn’t get discounts period.)

     So yeah. The fact that Sedaris was this dude’s “MAN” negated roughly all but maybe one of the recommendations his work had collected in my brain. But then hardcover copies of “Naked” got remaindered at 3.98 and this, coupled with my employee discount prompted me to buy one. I read it, and it was good. Next, I promptly lent it to my friend Rob, who still has the Dismemberment Plan (“Emergency & I”) and Jawbox (“Jawbox”) CD’s I lent him in January 2000, so I will probably never see it again. Based on the knowledge that Sedaris didn’t suck, I bought “Holidays on Ice” this past holiday season. The elf story was way good. But I was just never able to bring myself to buy “Me Talk Pretty One Day.”

     Fast Forward to now, and a friend is letting me borrow “Me talk Pretty One Day.” I am finding it to be way funnier then his previous work. My absolute favorite part so far comes in a story called “You Can’t Kill the Rooster.” The bulk of the story is spent describing the mannerisms of Mr. Sedaris’ brother, who it seems is incapable of speaking without liberally peppering his speech with profanity. The highlight comes towards the end of the story:

     “When a hurricane damaged my father’s house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers full of beer, and an enourmous Fuck-It Bucket – a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-size candy bars. (“When shit brings you down, just say ‘Fuck it,’ and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.”)”

     I have no idea why I am so enamored with this idea, but I am. Every time I think of this, I smile and probably look really weird to passers-by because I’m all of a sudden smiling for no reason. And sometimes also not really looking at anything in particular when I smile so it looks like I’m totally crazy.

     I wrote another play, in which I introduce a few new characters (Of course, if you didn’t read my previous dramatic work, then all of these characters are new to you.):

Creepily Sentient Doritos: We are so good.

Adam: Huh?

Doritos: We are so, so good. Additionally, we are cheesariffic!

Adam’s Stomach: No! Don’t listen to them! They always fuck me up!

Adam: But they look so tasty and there aren’t any other snacks around!

Doritos: Yes! Snack-tacular! Cheese-tastic!

Adam’s Stomach: No! Mark my words! If you eat them I will be all fucked up!

Adam: I dunno…

Adam’s Brain: Dude, he’s right.

Adam: Who’s right?

Adam’s Brain: Your stomach.

Adam: My stomach has a gender?

Adam’s Brain: Yep he’s a “he.”

Adam: Oh. I suppose that makes sense.

Doritos: Eat us! We will make you feel full in a splendid way!

Adam’s Brain: Don’t you remember the last two times you ate doritos?

Adam: No…

Adam’s Brain: Oh. Well, both times you felt all queasy and gross. And you made me remember for you not to eat doritos.

Adam: I did?

Adam’s Brain: You did.

Adam’s Stomach: You did! Walk away! Eat some cheese! Or pretzels even!

Adam: No, I think I will eat the doritos.

Doritos: Yay!

Adam’s Stomach: Fine! But be prepared to pay, you fucker!


Adam: Arghhh.

     If you’re into icelandic tenors warbling over some bowed guitar, the Sigur Ros tour EP is available for download here. Hop to it.

     You may or may not already know that Motley Crue recently put out a tell-all book. In it, they take turns writing chapters. I am not ashamed to admit that I am reading it (but I would like to stress that I did not pay money for it). Here is the (unabridged) first paragraph of Tommy Lee’s contribution:

     “Duuuuuude. Fuck yeah. Finally. How much room is Nikki going to get, bro? Fuck. The dude tried to put his own mother in jail. I love him; we’ve practically been married for twenty years. But sometimes it’s dysfunction junction over there. I’m not like that. I’m a hopeless fucking romantic. That’s a part of me that a lot of people don’t know about. They know everything there is to know about another part of me, but not a thing about my heart. Dude, it’s bad, but it’s all good. All fucking good.”

     I’d like to point out that I am not making this up. Harper Collins actually published this, and yes, he actually did use six ‘U’s in ‘Dude.’

     Weezer trivia: If you look closely at the bottom right hand corner of the live photo in the new album, you’ll see Mike and the ‘bots. MST3K represent!

     The Faint plays Ann Arbor on June 3rd. I will be out of town. Poop. Also: The Josh Dodes Band plays Royal Oak on May 29th. If you’re into that.