Enter: 40-ish man who looks like a suburban high school teacher. Not dorky enough for math or science, possibly social studies. Also: Could play ‘The Father’ on a prime-time drama. He quickly gathers a stack of ‘dance’ vinyl and asks the clerk to play it over the house system so he can decide what to buy.

     Enter: Wyclef lookalike – Identical hairstyle, different features. Not Wyclef. Dressed in expensive everything. Suit, shoes watch etc. BLING.

     5 minutes pass. The clerk continues to preview dance records by playing 10 seconds, lifting the needle, advancing it 30% of the way in, and repeating, so that each side of a 12″ takes about 30 seconds to ‘hear.’ The difference between the three needle drops on each side is often one added looped instrument. [If that’s the way you guys pick your songs, you deserve all the morons who say ‘Oonce Oonce’ when you tell them you ‘spin.’]

     Wyclef lookalike begins pointing at the clerk and yelling ‘I want that record!’ after hearing 3 seconds of each song. EVERY song. The best part is he never LOOKS at the clerk, just stares intently at the vinyl he’s flipping through and occasionally emphatically points over his shoulder and yells ‘I want that record!’.

     Clerk attempts to explain that he is playing the records for someone else to decide on. Wyclef pays no attention and continues furiously flipping and demanding records.

     5 minutes pass. Wyclef finishes his vinyl flipping and approaches clerk.

     They begin to discuss the fact that he can have the records if Social Studies Dad doesn’t want them. Wyclef elects to wait until Social Studies Dad has made his final selection, so he engages clerk in dialogue about a record he’s looking for. Apparently it’s a Felix Da Housecat Remix of a song featuring Peaches and Iggy Pop.

     Social Studies Dad’s ears perk up.

     “Iggy and Peaches? That song’s called ‘Kick It.’

     Wyclef turns to look at Social Studies Dad. Beat. Bad Fake New York Guy Vinyl Knowledge Pissing Contest Accepted.

     (Condescendingly) “No no no , they did three songs at that session – Rockstar, Kick It, and Motor Inn. I’m looking for The Felix mix of Motor Inn.” (To clerk, chuckling in a ‘Woe is me and my CRAAAZY vinyl’ sort of way) “I’ve been how far now? OHIO looking for this thing.”

     “And this isn’t even the original track, this is a Felix Da Housecat remix?”

     Nods, Serious look. They lock eyes.


     Beat, both look away.

     Wyclef Begins Pressuring Social Studies Dad for his records. I leave.