Hey I’m back. A few things:
- I switched the server on basically every site I maintain.
- I managed to delete my August 29th entry, so on the off chance that you found it so amusing you saved it, I’d love a copy….yeah I didn’t think so.
- Chriskempa.com has been redesigned and is slowly gaining new features if you’re interested.
- The Recital site has been updated with three (3!) upcoming shows (In Mt. Pleasant, Ann Arbor and Detroit).
- If you want to see me take a stab at playing drums (Not with the Recital), head to the halfway inn in Ann Arbor on November 3rd.
Moving on, a few Barnes & Noble Rants:
THAT EMAIL YOU GOT?
Yeah, so everyone and their brother wants to buy books about nostradamus. Also, they get extremely testy when you try and tell them they are being had. On the days after the ‘incident’ I probably told more people that we were out of Nostradamus books than I told where the bathroom is and what time we closed COMBINED (That’s a fucking LOT). Particularly staunch believers will snidely question the bookseller’s prophetic credentials when they are told that the quotation that was BULK EMAILED to them is not, in fact, accurate. Because we ALL know how valuable BULK EMAIL is. I propose that all bookstores put up a table with a sign reading “Complete horseshit,” stock it with Nostradamus and Oprah books, sit back, and rake in the cash.
Additionally, recent months have seen a resurgence in the patronage of the angry, less-than-bright, borderline elderly housewife with plenty of disposable income. Examples:
Me: That’ll be $34.27.
Her: Do you have any pretty packages?
Me: I’m sorry?
Her: Pretty packages…for… you know… pretty packages.
Me: Like gift wrap? or boxes?
Her: NO, PRETTY PACKAGES.
Her: OH FORGET IT!
A woman wanted a Michaelangelo biography, so I took her to the ‘artists’ section and began browsing the M’s. She eyed me suspiciously for a few seconds before expressing her annoyance:
Her: I wanted a biography on Michaelangelo.
Her: So why are you looking here?
Me: Um… because this is where they would be?
Her: (In a tone sympathetically suggesting her vastly superior intelligence) Shouldn’t you be looking under the A’s?
Michaelangelo. Michael Angelo. I didn’t have the heart to tell her.
Finally, the male counterpart to these women came in demanding a book called “Flames of Fire” by Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw has written no such book. He insisted he couldn’t possibly have any element of the title or author wrong, the problem, you see, was with our DAMN computers. Any attempt to gather further information about the book was seen by him as an assault on his personal credibility. As a last resort I took him to the American History section, where we shelve our Tom Brokaw books. Within seconds of arriving in the section, we had found his book. It was “Flags of our Fathers” by James Bradly. Worst of all, he didn’t even acknowledge his mistake. He said “Here it is!” turned, and stalked up to the register.
“Flames of Fire” = “Flags of our Fathers”
Tom Brokaw = James Bradley
You’ll note that of the 6 words that comprise the correct title and author, he had ONE of the words correct, and that one word was “of.” Usually when this happens, a customer tops it off by complaining about my service (I’ve grown accustomed to it). This one did not. Perhaps he was slightly embarrassed. This may seem obvious but most of these people lack the ability to feel embarrassment, let alone consider the possibility that they may be wrong.
A Belgian artist has constructed an installation that, when fed two meals a day, simulates the processes of the human digestive system and ultimately produces a reasonable facsimile of human waste. He has named it Cloaca. Read all about it. [via cardhouse]
This is the special edition pacakging for the latest Spiritualized record, and if you stare at it long enough, the recessed image of the girl appears to pop out. Actually it kind of looks that way in the picture, but in reality, it is a recessed image. Also, if you were to fill it with water and put it in the freezer, you could make Spiritualized ice cubes.
Bret Easton Ellis’ novel ‘Rules of Attraction’ is being made into a movie. I was going to say ‘Hopefully it will be better than American Psycho,’ but then I saw that James Van Der Beek is starring. Supposedly Fred ‘Wonder Years’ Savage is newly attached to the film. We can only Hope Van Der Beek bowed out of the role.
If you’re a film dork who’s into the whole DVD thing, you may or may not have been privy to a magazine called ‘Total Movie’ that put out a few issues before ceasing publication earlier this year. Each issue contained a DVD with all sorts of fun short films, interviews, and trailers. Well, they’re back. And if you subscribe, they’re offering you 46 free DVD’s. I’m not quite sure how this works, but it seems too good to be true. If you can clarify this, by all means, get in touch.
Some crazy folks have deemed November ‘National Novel Writing Month.’ The gist of it, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, is that participants will write a complete novel in one month’s time. I am going to do this. And you should too.