Category: Post

Dear test I just took:
     I hate you. The last test was all things I knew how to do. Actually, so are you but you have stupid TRICKS thrown in to screw me up. I got a 98 on the last test, which was a WAY better test than you are. Why did you have to have a stupid TRICK in EVERY problem? It makes it difficult to get a 98 when I am unable to finish ANY of the three problems because of your UNCALLED FOR TRICKS. Why couldn’t you be more like the last test? I hate you.

     Best wishes,

     Adam.

     This is the best thing I’ve ever come up with, ever: If Steven Spielberg ever has a double feature, it should be A.I. and E.T. After the double feature, the people would go home. The next day, the people who went to the double feature would have friends who would ask “How was that double feature?” And the people would say, “Oh, it was AIET.” Get it?

Speaking of A.I. here are a few things I’d like to say:

1. Chris Rock Cameo.

Dear Steven,
     First of all, thank you for E.T. I had a brown E.T. shirt when I was little and I liked it a lot. Secondly, In case you were wondering what would be a good way to kill every last trace of suspension of disbelief that might be lingering in an audience, it would be to give Chris Rock a cameo as a robot in a sci-fi film that otherwise takes itself way seriously. And also, have that be the only reference to present-day pop-culture in the entire film so it sticks out like a sore thumb (Except for the statue of liberty thing which was also a bit questionable). Yep thanks.

2. Ass-tastic ending.

STANLEY KUBRICK’S GHOST: Here you go, Steve, a perfect ending. Giftwrapped even. Now just fade to black….

STEVEN SPIELBERG: Hot damn! I still have enough money left over for a half hour’s worth of half-assed CGI inserts! Cha-Ching!

STANLEY KUBRICK’S GHOST: …aw shit.

Dear Steven,
     Why the HELL did you not fade to black after the long shot of the helicopter frozen in ice? Is it even possible for someone to overlook the fact that that was a PERFECT ending? Even the audio would have been perfect. You could have had that narrator guy say “..and the next day… and the next day…” etc and slowly fade him out, perhaps even in unison with the fading picture. But no, you had to go and envision a distant future ON TOP of the distant future you had already envisioned. That white cube-ish space ship? Crap. Those lame looking “aliens?” Crap. I was even going to overlook the neon-covered motercycle guys and that stupid ‘band’ you felt it necessary to put in there, but thanks to that abysmal ending, you are now obligated to accept full blame. I hate you, Steven Spielberg, and also I hate your stinking neon.

P.S. Remember how you referenced Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrission) in E.T.? And now Chris Rock? What the hell is your deal?

     My puppy ate a wasp. This resulted in a sore mouth and hopefully the knowledge that eating wasps is very stupid to do.

     The other day I was discussing a restaurant with a friend and she was telling me how it was her birthday when she went, so we started talking about different restaurant chains’ default birthday songs / chants.

     Then I got them all mixed up. So, if you work at a restaurant that participates in this “Sing a lame birthday song that isn’t ‘The Birthday Song'” ritual, I would just be thrilled if you’d send me the lyrics to the song and the name of the restaurant that is to blame. Or if you’d like to sing it to me in person and / or via a sound file or something suitably nerdy like that, then that is also allowed.

     I’ve put up my 100% uninteresting account of fiddling around with an arcade machine here. This is a work in prgress, mind. I plan on adding additional content that will be even MORE uninteresting!

     Quick story: I had just taken a shower and was walking past a TV to my room. The TV was on and no one was watching it. As I walked by, I totally got sucked into this soap opera that was on, but only for roughly 2 minutes. Some dude was pretending to forget an anniversary and his lady was getting all distressed and then he proposed marriage and I was like “Way to go, dude!” in my head and then I realized I was half naked and cheering on a guy on a soap opera, so I almost cried.

Three quick Barnes and Noble things:

1. A little kid pooped his pants while standing right next to me the other day. Oh the smell. He even told his dad he had to go to the bathroom VERY BADLY, but the dad wasn’t having any of that, he was all busy thumbing through Foghat and Journey CD’s. After awhile the intense fumes wafted over to the F – J section and dad took junior to the boys room to ‘clean up.’
2. I don’t care how meticulously organized your purse is, when you are done paying for something, please do not take an hour reorganizing your key /change pouch or alphabetizing your stamps. The person behind you hates you because you’re wasting their time, and I hate you because I have to stand there all awkward and watch you do it AND watch the person behind you hating you. Thank you.
3. So there was this hippie guy with long hair and rose colored glasses (for real) sitting in one of the easy chairs next to this hippie looking girl. They have all these mysticism and universe meaning bullshit books spread out on the table in front of them. The long haired guy is pontificating on the meaning of life or some other such crap as only “guys who think just because they have long hair they are universe experts” can. He was doing these slow hand gestures to convey the very deep implications of his speech, and I was snickering at him. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, he removed his rose colored glasses, and started to put them on her in this really slow, gross, pseudo-sensual way. I wasn’t close enough to them to hear but I choose to believe he made some stupid comment about seeing things his way now or something lame like that. Then they left all smiling, because they were probably going to have hippie sex.
4. Update! I’ve been informed that I spelled ‘hippie’ wrong above. It’s fixed now. You have my deepest apologies.

     So there is a Meijer superstore by my house. In the lobby of these superstores, there is often an area and / or bulliten board where patrons are encouraged to leave ads for things they are selling. There is some insane guy who frequents this Meijer and leaves insane ads on the board. Last October there was one that advertised “KNIFES, STUFANIMALES” and had his phone number. I took it with the intention of photographing it and putting it up here, but I lost it. At any rate, everytime I go there, he’s put up some new gem. Here is the one I found yesterday:

     I wonder if he gets people who buy both ‘prayers books’ AND ‘playboys magazine.’

Another vivid dream:

     I was with my friend, and we met this guy who drove busses full of old people to casinos. He insisted that we eat with him, so he took us to this raftish sort of thing floating in a river. On the raftish thing was a grill and an electric piano. He cooked us fish and sung us sad songs. Then he told us he had to go to work and that he would give us a ride home in his bus. So we got on the bus, and several other empty busses showed up. He told us that they were going to follow him to the nursing home. So he started driving. To break the silence, he started telling us a story about this girl he used to know up north who he would only see during summers. Just as he was getting beyond the “Set-up” part of the story, he pulled up to my house. He kept telling the story, though, and all the busdrivers behind him got pissed when they realized he was staying put for the time being, and they drove off. Then, I woke up, so he never got to finish his story, but from what I could tell it was going to be a sad one. And also, those dream bus-drivers all got pissed at him for no reason.

     Unless he finished telling the story to the dream version of my friend, in which case, they had a reason to be pissed. Or maybe my friend woke up at the very same time and the bus driver was all “Damn! they woke up. Next time…” Or maybe after I woke up, the dream version of my friend and the busdriver went back to their dressing rooms and took off their costumes and make-up and waited around while the dream stage crew tore down the set to set up for tommorrow night’s dream. DAMN YOU, SUBCONCIOUS!

     You are aware I have a new puppy, yes? No? I have a new puppy. There, now you are. I am trying to teach him a new trick. It is called “Not waking up at five AM everyday wanting to play.” When he learns this trick I will be so, so happy.

This is a ticket to see Radiohead:

It makes me a happy camper. How to get a ticket to see Radiohead:

1. Order it from ticketmaster canada online. They will not mail you your ticket. You will have to pick it up at a canadian ticketmaster.
2. Print out your confirmation number.
3. Look around for the location of the Windsor ticketmaster.
4. Find this: “Please note: The Windsor Ticket Centres are operated by Ticketmaster Michigan, and therefore carry a higher service charge and distance fee for Canadian events. They are able to sell for events in Ontario in addition to Michigan and Ohio, but handle no Western Canada tickets. These Ticket Centres also do not offer ticket pickup – they cannot print any telephone or Internet orders. Please see the Windsor Listing at the U.S. Ticketmaster site for information.”
5. Curse your stupid brain for assuming that a ticketmaster that is IN CANADA is a Canadian ticketmaster. Come on, brain! How stupid can you be? Go anyway.
6. Arrive at 5:07 when they close at 5:00.
7. Go the next day.
8. Have them print your internet order, no questions asked.
9. Three cheers for the organization of ticketmaster!

     This is a maxipad that was stuck to my driver’s side window Sunday morning two weeks ago:

     It said “I have a super-absorbant mind… do YOU?” but it doesn’t anymore, because i put it in my pocket, and when i emptied my pocket to wash my pants, it stuck to the bottom because it’s all sticky on one side. So it went through the wash then got dried in the dryer. It doesn’t look like either cycle affected it much, but then I’m no maxipad scientist. I totally forgot about it until I put those pants on again and found it today. I’m assuming it was a girl who put it on my car, but i’m basing that assumption on the fact that the handwriting was way girly. And also on the fact that it is a maxipad. So, whomever put the maxipad on my car two Sundays ago, thank you, because I love me a good mystery. Unless you are the one who did it and want to tell me, because in that case, screw the mystery, I wanna know.

A really vivid dream I had:

     I was a cocaine dealer, and I was dealing cocaine out of my pocket, and by that I mean the cocaine wasn’t in a plastic bag or anything, it was just in my pocket. When people would buy my cocaine, I would just reach in my pocket and take out a handful and kind of dump it in their hand. So I’m this cocaine dealer and I’m at a hotel. There’s this guy in a suit who has a cell phone in one hand and a laptop in the other, and he’s talking to another guy in a dark suit. All of a sudden, the guy who the laptop guy was talking to pulls a knife. Naturally I run up, and in one fluid motion, jump in the air and kick the knife, cell phone, and laptop out of their respective hands. I let the knife fall to the ground, but I grab the cellphone and laptop. AT this point the two guys in suits decided to team up against me. I run into the parking garage where my friend is mysteriously waiting with a getaway car. He takes off down the road. A few minutes later, the cell phone rings. I answer it. “Look to your left,” says the guy on the other end. So we do and the guys in suits are pulling up next to us. At this point I yell “Go! Go! Go!” like people do in action movies, and my friend blows the red light. We go back to my friend’s apartment, and sit around nervously. There is a knock at the door. It’s the guys in suits, but now they are our friends!? What happened, dream? That makes no sense! Now I go to the bathroom, and while I’m going I’m thinking, “They can have their cell phone back, but I get to keep their laptop.” When I come out of the bathroom the suit guys are gone, they took back their phone AND the laptop, and also they stole my friend. Then I woke up. CURSE YOU, SUBCONCIOUS!

     I forgot to say this above but if you’re one of those people who is all into dream meaning and all that psychology crap, tell me what that means, except if it means I’m crazy, in which case please continue not contacting me for any reason.

     I was at the library the other day and this random 7-ish year old boy comes up to me and looks at me and then does that whole “Wait a minute! I think I know that person, let me do a weird half stutter step sideways thing so I can look again and be sure” thing. And apparently he still thought he knew me, because after the second check-out he was like “Hey!” and waved. So I said “Hi” and did sort of a half wave because I didn’t want to be rude, but I had never seen that boy before in my life. Then he walked away.

This is very tempting.

More later. Busy, Busy.

If you’ve tried to e-mail in the last two days and haven’t recieved a response it’s because my aol account has hit the fan in the “shit” sort of way. Some sort of person and or computer program gained access to my account, emptied my new mail folder, and proceeded to send out a porn ad to a lot of people. Not cool, by any means.

     Hello again. I’ve been away on tour, studying for a circuits exam, and also being lazy. The Recital / Red Shirt Brigade weekend tour diary should be up by the end of the week, but don’t quote me on that. Speaking of The Recital and Red Shirt Brigade, we’re playing a Benefit show in a barn this Sunday. For more information, click here.

     So we have this Blake Babies CD for instore play at Barnes and Noble, and I play it all the time (Probably more than my coworkers would like). So on the strength of the songs where Mr. Evan Dando delivers guest harmonies, I decided I would go see them when they came to detroit. Bad idea. Wheat was the opener, and I just don’t get why everyone is all “Wheat this” and “Wheat that” these days. They bored me, and they looked like they should have been tending bar in a slightly more stylish club. Then the Blake Babies played. You’ll have to forgive me for not having encyclopediac knowledge of critically acclaimed Boston-based bands (alliteration in your face, yo.) as I’m going to refer the the Blake Babies guitar player as “Mister Guitar Player.” Mister Guitar Player had a FULL marshall stack (Emphasis on full – TWO 4×12 speaker cabinets) turned up to eight billion. I was standing near the front of the stage and all you could hear was this dude’s guitar. After a few songs, I gave up on any hope that he would turn down, and walked to the back of the crowd, where the soundman had done his best to balance things out. Standing back there, you could actually hear Juliana Hatfield’s voice, but you had to settle for either being able to see really well or being able to hear really well. Most bands have a fairly reasonable idea of where levels should be set so that the stage sound is fairly balanced WITHOUT making allowances for guitarist ego in the amp micing. So, in summary:

• Blake Babies
• Guitarist is way too loud
• has too many distortion pedals
• won’t turn down
• drowns out juliana, who everyone is there to see

Yes. Also I can’t forget these two special audience members:

     The first guy was wearing earrings, sandals, shorts, and an ancient Blake Babies T-shirt. Also important is the fact that he had a full head of grey hair. Whenever any of the ‘Babes would reference their happiness at being in Detroit, this guy would make a big show of flaunting his T-Shirt and saying “Welcome BACK to Detroit,” with plenty of emphasis on ‘back.’ He did this three times, and it was funnier each time, because he wasn’t doing it to be funny, he was doing it in what can only be described as a sad attempt to garner attention. Sad, sad, old, Blake Babies loving man.

     The second dude was with his girlfriend and he was drunk off his rocker. He sat on the stage with his back to the band and alternated between the following activities at random intervals:

• Sloppily making out with his girlfriend
• passionately air drumming
• Closing his eyes and singing the lyrics to old Blake Babies songs “to” his girlfriend
• Wearing a hat with an x-wing fighter on it (He did this the whole time)
• Pointing excitedly at the guitar player (This was only during ear-splittingly loud guitar solos)

     My final gripe about this show was that it was fourteen bucks, both bands sucked, and the blake babies didn’t even play the two songs I came to hear. Their new album is called “God Bless the Blake Babies,” and while some of it is actually pretty good, this show has prompted me to ask that god not bless that guitar player, because he doesn’t deserve it. But he can bless Juliana all he wants, because she is a cutie.

     Another part of the reason I’ve been missing in action for awhile is because I finally acquired an arcade cabinet to tear apart. The game it came with is functional, but kind of lame. It’s called Silkworm, and it’s kind of an anomoly because it’s a 2 player cooperative game, where player one and player two both control totally different vehicles (helicopter and jeep). So it’s kind of like two games in one! At any rate, I’ve already begun tearing apart the control panel and the guts of it and am in the process of deciding what i should put in there. Once I’m done, you can expect a highly uninteresting walkthrough of all the alterations I made on this site.

     I just got an e-mail saying that Eric’s Trip is getting back together and TOURING in support of a live album, and if I was still a junior in highschool, I wouldn’t be typing right now, because I’d be doing handsprings around my bedroom.

     “The band Eric’s Trip has decided to put on a reunion tour this August/September. The cross-Canada dates will begin on August 12th 2001, with the final maritime dates in the first week of September. All dates are still tentative, and will not be announced until more of the details have been worked out. This exciting reunion tour will bring together the four Eric’s Trip members (Chris Thompson (guitar), Julie Doiron (bass), Rick White (guitar), Mark Gaudet (drums) ) who played their last show on that fateful summer day in 1996. Rick White and Mark Gaudet’s Elevator, Julie Doiron’s solo work and Chris Thompson’s Moonsocket remain priorities, but the Eric’s Trip tour will be a fun chance to show off the advancement of their musical prowess over the last 5 years. Rick White is currently working on an Eric’s Trip “Best-of” live compilation, which will come out on Teenage USA recordings and sold on the tour.”

     Let’s see, another thing to tell you is that if you saw Weezer on that Yahoo! tour, and were wondering what the hell happened to that song they opened with, it’s on the b-side of the hash pipe 7″ which I stumbled across last night for $3.99. Fun. Lots of good multimedia at the official Weezer site. Oh! This:

     “Weezer played their new song ‘Hash Pipe’ last night to many screaming fans at the MTV Movie Awards. This sets a new record, as it marks the first time in 4 years that MTV has played real music.” -Craig Kilborn

     You might want to know that Radiohead tickets are already on sale for the Toronto-area date. You might not. I don’t know you really, so how should I know. Unless I actually do know you, and then I probably know whether you want to know or not. Also, The Illinois and Ohio shows go on sale at 10:00 AM tommorrow morning. Hot damn. The temptation to pull a Grateful Dead-esque week of Radiohead is great. Another thing about radiohead (kind of): You’ve probably already instant messaged the crazy radiohead artificial intelligence AIM screen name (“Googlyminotaur”), but if you haven’t be sure to do so. Fun things to do are to curse at and / or proposition it.

“He’s my best friend.” – Ryan Allen, Re: the Googlyminotaur.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. My puppy’s name is Speck.

     Chris O. submitted the older Pete of Pete & Pete fame’s IMDB listing, and suggested checking out the trivia section:

Was suspended from high school during senior year for setting his guitar on fire in the halls.

Attended Hunter High School in New York, NY

Plays cult-favorite Stuart in Ameritrade commercials…

2000 – Is a junior at State University of New York where he is studying documentary filmmaking.

     ..how cool is that? SUSPENDED for setting his GUITAR on FIRE in the HIGHSCHOOL? I’d love to hear his defense of that. I’ll bet it involves the phrases “the man,” and “spirit of rock n’ roll.” Also: am I the only person who didn’t know it was him in those Ameritrade commercials? Everyone I tell about this is like: “Yeah, AND?” and I’m all “But it’s HIM! I didn’t KNOW!” Ugh.

     Don’t you just hate it when you’re using Instant Messenger and you go to type “yeah” and what really comes out is “yeha,” like you’re a big cowboy or something? I hate that.

     If you live in or reasonably close to Champaign, Illinois, and know of a place where the Bluetip / RSB / Recital show can be moved to, please get in touch! The venue flaked on us.

     The crazy rock band of which I am a member is going to be playing a whole bunch of shows in the coming weeks, most of them with the Red Shirt Brigade (The only people in all of Michigan who let us get on shows). Some of these shows will actually be out of state, so if you’ve ever wondered how quiet and awkward someone who maintains a mostly pointless website would be in real life, here’s your chance to find out. Info:

Wednesday May 30th
Stormy Records
22079 Michigan Avenue
Dearborn, MI
(313) 563-8525
w/ A Thousand Times Yes, and Red Shirt Brigade
8:30 PM Sharp
$2.00

Thursday May 31st
@ Jefferson House
111 Jefferson St.
Kalamazoo, MI
w/ Red Shirt Brigade
9:00 PM

Friday June 1st
TBA

Saturday June 2nd
The Praire House
308 S. Prairie
Bloomington, IL
w/ Fly Everywhere, Red Shirt Brigade
7:00 PM
$5.00

Sunday June 3rd
@ Foudini’s
202 East Green Street
Champaign, IL
w/ Red Shirt Brigade, Bluetip
9:00 pm
$6.00

Saturday June 9th
@ Mr. Muggs
Ypsilanti, MI
w/ a whole bunch of bands
4:00 PM (Bands all day)
$6.00

Sunday June 17th
@ Wilson Barn
Livonia, MI
w/ Red Shirt Brigade, Amplitude, Gabriel, others.
6:30 PM
$5.00

Ryan A. Sent me this e-mail:

this is from SPIN.com:

“In related Radiohead news, apparently Kid A and Tim Burton’s 1993 animated classic, A Nightmare Before Christmas, if you play them concurrently, synch up in a style similar to the old Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz style. We have not actually tried this, you see, but we are quite excited at the prospect. For I have always likened Thom Yorke to the Pumpkin King.”

i know you are gonna fuckin try this shit.

love ryan

I tried it and it didn’t work. I *wanted* it to work, but it just didn’t.

     This is my new puppy:

     We pick him up on Saturday morning. He’s a beagle, and he needs a name. Right now, I want to call him ‘Tex,’ but my mom isn’t having any of that. Please help.

Also: There was an actual update yesterday, so you can look it that if it strikes you as something worth doing.

     I got a crappy haircut today.

     That movie I asked about awhile back is called “When the Cat’s Away,” or “Chacun cherche son chat” if you’re french. It turns out that everyone in the world (Literally: I got emails from Germany and Holland.) knew this except for me. I recently became obsessed with seeing it again, but couldn’t for the life of me remember the title. Unfortunately, it’s not out on DVD yet. In case you feel like barfing, you might want to click here and learn about a remake in the works starring: Heather Grahm. Blah.

My David Sedaris History:

     I never really read David Sedaris until relatively recently. People had recommended him, but I was always too busy inching (Or perhaps more appropriately, millimeter-ing) my way through some other book to bother. Of course, it didn’t help any when some dude (“dude” in this context means “Kid who looked like he was just visiting from ground zero of an abercrombie EXPLOSION) was all snootty to me when “Me Talk Pretty One Day” came out.

Him: Is this discounted?

Me: No, it just came out, but in two days the new bestseller list will come out and if it’s on it, it will be.

Him: Well it will be. Dave Sedaris is my MAN.

Me. (Pause) Ok.

Him: So since it’ll be on the list in two days, you can give me the discount.

Me: (Pause to check if he is serious) Um, actually no I can’t. I can only give the discount on books that are actually discounted.

Him: Dude, it will BE ON THERE! SEDARIS WILL COME THROUGH!

Me: (It doesn’t really matter what I said next. He didn’t get a discount. Anyone who walks through life just assuming they should get discounts shouldn’t get discounts period.)

     So yeah. The fact that Sedaris was this dude’s “MAN” negated roughly all but maybe one of the recommendations his work had collected in my brain. But then hardcover copies of “Naked” got remaindered at 3.98 and this, coupled with my employee discount prompted me to buy one. I read it, and it was good. Next, I promptly lent it to my friend Rob, who still has the Dismemberment Plan (“Emergency & I”) and Jawbox (“Jawbox”) CD’s I lent him in January 2000, so I will probably never see it again. Based on the knowledge that Sedaris didn’t suck, I bought “Holidays on Ice” this past holiday season. The elf story was way good. But I was just never able to bring myself to buy “Me Talk Pretty One Day.”

     Fast Forward to now, and a friend is letting me borrow “Me talk Pretty One Day.” I am finding it to be way funnier then his previous work. My absolute favorite part so far comes in a story called “You Can’t Kill the Rooster.” The bulk of the story is spent describing the mannerisms of Mr. Sedaris’ brother, who it seems is incapable of speaking without liberally peppering his speech with profanity. The highlight comes towards the end of the story:

     “When a hurricane damaged my father’s house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers full of beer, and an enourmous Fuck-It Bucket – a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-size candy bars. (“When shit brings you down, just say ‘Fuck it,’ and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.”)”

     I have no idea why I am so enamored with this idea, but I am. Every time I think of this, I smile and probably look really weird to passers-by because I’m all of a sudden smiling for no reason. And sometimes also not really looking at anything in particular when I smile so it looks like I’m totally crazy.

     I wrote another play, in which I introduce a few new characters (Of course, if you didn’t read my previous dramatic work, then all of these characters are new to you.):

Creepily Sentient Doritos: We are so good.

Adam: Huh?

Doritos: We are so, so good. Additionally, we are cheesariffic!

Adam’s Stomach: No! Don’t listen to them! They always fuck me up!

Adam: But they look so tasty and there aren’t any other snacks around!

Doritos: Yes! Snack-tacular! Cheese-tastic!

Adam’s Stomach: No! Mark my words! If you eat them I will be all fucked up!

Adam: I dunno…

Adam’s Brain: Dude, he’s right.

Adam: Who’s right?

Adam’s Brain: Your stomach.

Adam: My stomach has a gender?

Adam’s Brain: Yep he’s a “he.”

Adam: Oh. I suppose that makes sense.

Doritos: Eat us! We will make you feel full in a splendid way!

Adam’s Brain: Don’t you remember the last two times you ate doritos?

Adam: No…

Adam’s Brain: Oh. Well, both times you felt all queasy and gross. And you made me remember for you not to eat doritos.

Adam: I did?

Adam’s Brain: You did.

Adam’s Stomach: You did! Walk away! Eat some cheese! Or pretzels even!

Adam: No, I think I will eat the doritos.

Doritos: Yay!

Adam’s Stomach: Fine! But be prepared to pay, you fucker!

[Later…]

Adam: Arghhh.

     If you’re into icelandic tenors warbling over some bowed guitar, the Sigur Ros tour EP is available for download here. Hop to it.

     You may or may not already know that Motley Crue recently put out a tell-all book. In it, they take turns writing chapters. I am not ashamed to admit that I am reading it (but I would like to stress that I did not pay money for it). Here is the (unabridged) first paragraph of Tommy Lee’s contribution:

     “Duuuuuude. Fuck yeah. Finally. How much room is Nikki going to get, bro? Fuck. The dude tried to put his own mother in jail. I love him; we’ve practically been married for twenty years. But sometimes it’s dysfunction junction over there. I’m not like that. I’m a hopeless fucking romantic. That’s a part of me that a lot of people don’t know about. They know everything there is to know about another part of me, but not a thing about my heart. Dude, it’s bad, but it’s all good. All fucking good.”

     I’d like to point out that I am not making this up. Harper Collins actually published this, and yes, he actually did use six ‘U’s in ‘Dude.’

     Weezer trivia: If you look closely at the bottom right hand corner of the live photo in the new album, you’ll see Mike and the ‘bots. MST3K represent!

     The Faint plays Ann Arbor on June 3rd. I will be out of town. Poop. Also: The Josh Dodes Band plays Royal Oak on May 29th. If you’re into that.

     This is officially not a very interesting update. I don’t really have anything to say, but I’m bored and I haven’t updated in a week or so, so I feel kind of obligated. What to talk about? I recently bought a pack of American Gladiators trading cards for fifty cents. This is my favorite card:

     I’m not sure why it’s my favorite card. Perhaps because Mr. Gemini appears to be in such a jovial mood.

     Also, another thing to talk about is this kid who was at a bar. He was playing one of those golf arcade games that uses a trackball, but he had this crazy ‘system.’ His system was to start with his hand at the back of the trackball and suddenly jerk his arm forward, smashing his hand into the plexiglass that protects the screen at an alarmingly high rate of speed. He and his lady took turns doing this for about three hours. One time he hurt his hand really bad and I laughed at him. Stupid trackball golf system kid.

The Recital has an 8 song CDR EP available for 4 bucks.

     These 8 songs were recorded in my basement to digital 8 track. The sale of these Ep’s will hopefully generate enough money for us to record in a real studio. If you want one, here’s the address: PO Box 2017, Garden City, MI, 48136.

Dangermouse.org: “Crumbs, DM.”

     Bjork tickets for a secret New York show go on sale at noon tommorrow here. The catch is that only 200 people will get tickets. If you get tickets, I am insisting that you sell / give them to me. The show is on this Tuesday, the 22nd.

This is a play I wrote a few days ago:

“ALMOND DEATH”

(INT. ADAM KEMPA’S BEDROOM, 4 A.M.)

ADAM KEMPA’S STOMACH: Hey!

ADAM KEMPA: Huh?

AKS: Down here! It’s me, your stomach!

AK: Oh. Hi.

AKS: Remember all that brown rice and almond chicken you fed me last night?

AK: Yep.

AKS: It is attacking me.

AK: I’m sorry!

AKS: Don’t bother being sorry, for I am about to exact SWEET REVENGE!

AK: Arrrgh!

Fin.

     About a year ago I saw a movie on Bravo. It was in french and about a woman who lost her cat. What the hell was it called?

What the hell have I been doing?

• Looking for a car.
• Buying a car.
• Insuring a car.
• Going to Chicago.
• Going back to school.

     I usually end up writing an update a little bit at a time over a week and then being all critical and re-writing parts of it, but I’m being all cavalier about this one. I just wrote down all the stuff I wanted to talk about and wrote it once, straight through. But damn, if I didn’t write the FUCK out of it. Or something. Actually it’s kind of funny, because the only part of this whole update that I went back and changed was this paragraph, which is about not going back and changing stuff. Which isn’t really funny I guess.

     I was in Chicago to see Icelandic up-and-comers Sigur Ros on one of their few U.S. tour dates. They were pretty great. If you’ve never heard their latest full length, “Aegtis Byrjan,” you might have to wait awhile, as the band recently signed with MCA, who’ve taken measures to prevent any more copies from being imported. You can hear some of their work here in realaudio, watch a live show in realvideo here, or there’s always napster and it’s ilk. If your connection is slow, you’ll just have to settle for reading their tour diary and smirking at the broken English.

     Oh wait, I found some MP3’s at this site.

     The venue, Park West, was absolutely ridiculous. It was all dinner club style, with crazy padded couches and other such seating.

     First things first: the guitarist plays almost exclusively with a bow (I spent a lot of last October searching eBay for an overlooked violin bow that I could pick up cheaply. Here I thought I was being all clever reviving the bowed guitar. But no. Some Icelandic dudes already did it, and they’re doing it way better than I would’ve, PLUS they’re getting a paycheck from MCA for it). He also has his guitar run through some sort of delay unit, so that whatever bow actions he makes take a second or two to register any sound. I tried to get more info on what the hell they used to get these sounds, but all I could find was this frustratingly incomplete discussion of the guitarist’s setup.

     In the middle of their set they had this opera-ish singer trudge out and whine all Pavoratti-style over two songs. Here’s the thing: the music was so good that this potentially completely sucky situation did not completely suck! After the two songs, the opera guy and Mr. lead singer of Sigur Ros (Whose name is apparently Jonsi) hugged for a really, really long time. Hardcore hug action.

     They had this limited tour EP with them, of which only 1000 exist (I was at the merch table when one of their management was explaining the details of the plainly packaged EP to the merch seller person). I heard that they sold out at the Chicago show, so you’ll probably see them going for ridiculous sums on eBay. I’ll probably end up parting with mine, simply because all of the vocal duties on the cd are performed by the opera-ish guest vocalist, and I wasn’t really all that into him.

     All sorts of crazy instrumentation was busted out. There was the string quartet, an organ, an electronic keyboard of some sort, a flute, a piccolo, a xylophone, etc. If you were there and saw the crazy brilliance of the last song, I’m told it is called ‘Haffsol,’ though I’m not sure whether or not it’s been released on anything. So, in summary: crazy, icelandic, good, you missed out (unless you were there. Then you didn’t miss out. So your summarry would be different, and would read as follows: crazy, icelandic, good).

     Oh crap. I forgot the candles. Can I insert additions after I’ve already summarized? Yes. Yes, I can. They had a roadie come out before they took the stage and absolutely litter the stage with candles, and for a lot of the set the lights were kept dim. So it was visually appealing, as well as (insert word that is like ‘visual’ but pertains to audio here) pleasing.

     If you, like me, are a big fan of Chris Ware, then you probably already know about the piece he did for that children’s comics thing Art Spiegelman put together. But did you know that there was a previous version that was rejected because it was deemed too harsh for children? And that it appears in the new issue of Mcsweeney’s? Or that the new issue of McSweeney’s comes with a CD containing a soundtrack to each and every article, composed by They Might Be Giants? Now you do! Also: The Chris Ware piece is especially interesting to fans because it never made it past the pencils stage, and you get to see how much Mr. Ware changes stuff around before actually committing to inks. Really dorky and neat. If you’re not familiar with Ware, he’s a crazy perfectionist of a comic book artist, and as this review suggests and this interview confirms, he is actively seeking out all copies of his first published work so that he can destroy them. So awesome.

     If you already have the Ryko reissues of every Elvis Costello album, get ready to buy them all again. It seems Rhino has acquired the rights to the back catalog and is reissuing each album as a double CD, the extra disc containing all sorts of rare and/or unreleased stuff. This all kicks off in early August, with the (non-chronological) release of three of his albums, and you can expect to empty your wallet once every six months from then on.

     A random anecdote from a friend of mine, that I thought I would share with you:

     I went downstairs a little while ago to make myself a cup of tea and apparently I had put the box of Cheerios in the fridge. Noticing that the milk was missing, I began a housewide search. The milk ended up being on top of the washer in the laundry room. I have no recollection of eating cereal earlier. I wasn’t even drunk last night much less this morning so it can’t be blamed on alcohol.

     Some reader mail from Greg, regarding the pictures of Evan Dando in the last update:

“I saw evan dando play a couple months ago in NYC. He was wearing the exact same shirt then as he was in that picture you took. I wonder if his wardrobe consists of more than one article of clothing…”

     Interesting. It’s funny because, when you think about it, it’s totally believable that Evan Dando only owns one shirt.

     My personal favorite children’s book “Harold and the Purple Crayon,” is in development as an animated series at HBO. This could be a good thing, except for the fact that it will be narrated by Sharon Stone. So who knows.

     The directors of “City of Lost Children” and “Delicatessen” have a new movie all set to go and it looks to be just as crazy as their previous work. It’s called “Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amelie Poulain” and you can visit the official site here, or download the trailer in two different formats: .ASF and .MOV. Also: They’re in French and all.

Some extra Chicago photos (Titled):

     Finally, some good quotes for drummers from Robert Fripp of King Crimson:

“When it feels like the music asks for a drum fill, don’t do it. There are three other musicians who would like to use that space.”

“The most intense you can play is to stop playing.”

     I know I said “finally” about those drummer quotes, implying that that was the last little thing I had to say, but I found something else. So disregrad that occurrance of “finally,” or if you’re feeling frisky, mentally transpose that “finally” onto the begginning of the following sentance. [Mentally transpose here] Did you know that Mellissa Joan Hart (Clarissa, Sabrina) put out an album? It was on eBay recently, and sold for almost thirty bucks, so that’s not cool. If anyone knows where I can get ahold of these songs for free, Let me know, because I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious. And speaking of lame 80’s teen sitcom stars putting out albums, Screech from Saved by the Bell is in a band.

I know I’m forgetting something.