Dear test I just took:
     I hate you. The last test was all things I knew how to do. Actually, so are you but you have stupid TRICKS thrown in to screw me up. I got a 98 on the last test, which was a WAY better test than you are. Why did you have to have a stupid TRICK in EVERY problem? It makes it difficult to get a 98 when I am unable to finish ANY of the three problems because of your UNCALLED FOR TRICKS. Why couldn’t you be more like the last test? I hate you.

     Best wishes,


     This is the best thing I’ve ever come up with, ever: If Steven Spielberg ever has a double feature, it should be A.I. and E.T. After the double feature, the people would go home. The next day, the people who went to the double feature would have friends who would ask “How was that double feature?” And the people would say, “Oh, it was AIET.” Get it?

Speaking of A.I. here are a few things I’d like to say:

1. Chris Rock Cameo.

Dear Steven,
     First of all, thank you for E.T. I had a brown E.T. shirt when I was little and I liked it a lot. Secondly, In case you were wondering what would be a good way to kill every last trace of suspension of disbelief that might be lingering in an audience, it would be to give Chris Rock a cameo as a robot in a sci-fi film that otherwise takes itself way seriously. And also, have that be the only reference to present-day pop-culture in the entire film so it sticks out like a sore thumb (Except for the statue of liberty thing which was also a bit questionable). Yep thanks.

2. Ass-tastic ending.

STANLEY KUBRICK’S GHOST: Here you go, Steve, a perfect ending. Giftwrapped even. Now just fade to black….

STEVEN SPIELBERG: Hot damn! I still have enough money left over for a half hour’s worth of half-assed CGI inserts! Cha-Ching!


Dear Steven,
     Why the HELL did you not fade to black after the long shot of the helicopter frozen in ice? Is it even possible for someone to overlook the fact that that was a PERFECT ending? Even the audio would have been perfect. You could have had that narrator guy say “..and the next day… and the next day…” etc and slowly fade him out, perhaps even in unison with the fading picture. But no, you had to go and envision a distant future ON TOP of the distant future you had already envisioned. That white cube-ish space ship? Crap. Those lame looking “aliens?” Crap. I was even going to overlook the neon-covered motercycle guys and that stupid ‘band’ you felt it necessary to put in there, but thanks to that abysmal ending, you are now obligated to accept full blame. I hate you, Steven Spielberg, and also I hate your stinking neon.

P.S. Remember how you referenced Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrission) in E.T.? And now Chris Rock? What the hell is your deal?

     My puppy ate a wasp. This resulted in a sore mouth and hopefully the knowledge that eating wasps is very stupid to do.