Yeah its been three months. Whatever. Anyways in those three months I’ve gotten exponentially more insane so a lot of this update will only be funny to me. Also, let me just say that for some reason I’m all about caps, bold type and the hyphen these days so WATCH OUT.
Two stupid things I’m doing:
- Desk Project: Those of you who used to read kempa.com back when it got updated all the damn time might remember me asking everyone with a digital camera of some sort to take a picture of their desk and to email it to me, along with a free-form description of sorts. This was about 2 years or so ago, and about five people did it, and I never actually got around to posting the results and then I accidentally deleted the folder that contained said results. So anyway: my point. I’m asking that people do this again. I stole this idea from a british techno magazine who had famous D.J.’s do the same thing (also 2 years ago), and I just remember the whole thing being really interesting to me. I’m not sure why I find this random sort of stuff interesting, but it’s probably because I’m totally insane. So yes. Contribute! [Since mentioning this ‘idea’ to a few people, I’ve been informed that it’s been done a billion times on the internet (Here, here, and here), but will that stop me? Of course not! The focus here is on finding something interesting to SAY about your photo or whatever.]
- T-shirt Project: Starting on July 1st, I’m going to wear every shirt I own once before repeating a shirt. Yes, that IS a stupid idea, but I figure it’s a good way to sort through the mass of random T-shirts I’ve amassed throughout the years and weed out crap I’ll never wear again. For those of you with an absolutely morbid amount of free time on your hands, I’ve set up a little page here where you can moniter what shirt I’m wearing daily. Believe me, if you keep up with this, you’ll see some really embarrassing band shirts from my high school days. If you don’t keep up, you’ll totally fail the test.
Every single time I type a two letter word ending in the letter ‘O’ (Examples: So, Go, No, Yo, To, etc.), My hands totally miscommunicate and make the ‘O’ a capital when it shouldn’t be. Based on this phenomenon, I have determined that the neurons in charge of controlling the pinky and ring finger of my left hand are totally slacking off while the neuron(s) that control(s) the middle finger on my right hand is/are king shit(s) of fuck mountain. Remember that part about only being funny to me? Yeah. At any rate, as you read this massive block of text, take special note of how many two letter words ending in the letter ‘O’ I use, and then note that they all have lowercase o’s, and next realize this is because I methodically went through the text and fixed them all. Finally, know that this is because I love you.
Ranting about Spiderman:
I saw Spiderman on opening day. This was because:
- Fuck you, it’s Spiderman, and
- Kirsten Dunst is in it.
Surprisingly, I was pretty satisfied with it except for three things:
1. Macy Grey was in it, as herself. Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK. This is even less excusable then the previous record holder for least justifiable cameo of all time: Chris Rock in A.I as ‘Comedic Mecha’ (Riiiiiight). This retelling of an early spiderman story could have left the time uncertain to the viewer, but nope, there’s Macy Grey fucking everything up. Wardrobe might as well have dressed her in a shirt that said “IT’S 2001 AND THE COMPANY THAT OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THIS MOVIE ALSO OWNS THE RIGHTS TO MY NEW ALBUM WHICH ISN’T SELLING SO HOT GO BUY IT OH FUCK HERE COMES THE GREEN GOBLIN LET ME PRETEND I ACT BY DUCKING AND LOOKING VAGUELY PUZZLED SO I CAN SORT OF JUSTIFY MY BEING ANYWHERE NEAR THIS MOVIE OH WAIT THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO JUSTIFY.”
Dear Sam Raimi,
SHE WAS BARELY RELEVANT WHEN YOU SHOT THE MOVIE, LET ALONE WHEN IT FINALLY GOT RELEASED. Way to take a timeless comics story and COMPLETELY ROOT IT in 2001.
Yer Pal,
ak
So yes, that was my biggest gripe: Macy Grey. I feel entitled to this gripe because I was a big Spiderman fan in my youth and I totally let the organic web-shooters go without comment. Anyway I made up a conversation that probably happened:
DUDE: HEY WE OWN SPIDERMAN AND MACY GREY!
BRO: *SNIFF* I SMELL CROSS PROMOTION!
DUDE: FUCK YEAH! HEY DID YOU GET TICKETS TO THAT WHITE STRIPES SHOW?
BRO: YEAH!
DUDE: WHICH NIGHT?
BRO: THIRD NIGHT.
DUDE: OH! FUCKIN SWEET!
Moving on…
2. Uncle Ben listens to Sum 41 in his car apparently. NOPE.
3. Spider. Did they really have to make the spider that bit him BRIGHT RED and BLUE? I mean, COME ON.
On April 21st, 2002 I was bored and working at Barnes & Noble, so I asked every customer I helped how they were doing (Example: ‘How are you doing today?’) and collected data.
‘Good’: 62
‘Fine’: 14
‘OK’: 14
‘Pretty good’: 8
(Complete silence): 6
‘Alright’: 3
‘Not bad’: 2
‘Great’: 2
‘Well’: 2
‘Just Fine’: 2
‘How are you?’: 2
‘Cold’: 1
‘Hi’ (or perhaps ‘High,’ not sure): 1
After assessing the well-being of 119 citizens, I can conclusively say that the people of Northville, Michigan are overwhelmingly ‘Good.’ In fact, had you asked a random citizen of Northville Township how they were doing on April 21st, 2002; there was a 52% chance that they would say ‘good.’ You’re welcome.
Winner of ‘Best pose EVER by Lavar Burton on a bookmark’ award:
Ranting about Star Wars Episode II:
Holy shit someone fucked up there. I should probably preface this with the fact that I was super into Star Wars for awhile there. When they first started reviving the characters in novels I was ALL OVER THAT SHIT. After roughly the 5th trilogy of new books, I gave up. So yes, a lot of my brain is devoted to the specifics of the fictional universe in which this story is supposed to occur. That said, here’s the trick to enjoying Episode II for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it: After you’ve realised that any hope of a good movie is shattered (Roughly around the time the ’50’s diner’ scene occurs) it helps to laugh out loud at pretty much everything that happens on the screen (Example: Lil’ Jedis). Then the anger is masked, at least.
Only two redeeming things in Episode II:
- Natalie Portman’s Abs.
- The soundtrack used in Seismic charges scene (Really dorky thing that people who are in to audio production will enjoy).
Two (of many) gripes:
1.) A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away they had 1950’s DINERS WITH ROLLERSKATE WAITRESSES?! Wait, what? EXACTLY.
2.) I’m not trying to be all FILMGRAIN here, but the whole thing looked like ass. Sure, the computer animation and imaging was top notch as is to be expected but the whole package was just SO FUCKING BRIGHT that it looked plastic and incredibly fake. Part of the appeal to me as a child of the original starwars films (And I’m speculating here – I didn’t travel back in time and ask 5 year old me or anything) was the real landscape that all the action seemed to take place in: the snow of Hoth, the swamp of Dagobah, the desert of Tatooine – all great looking real locations (Maybe real on a sound stage, but a lot more tangible than a blue screen) not SHINY FAKE PLASTIC PALACE.
Dear George Lucas,
BUILD A FUCKING SET.
Yer Pal,
ak
3.) Bonus Gripe: Was I the only one who saw the first shot of the clones and LAUGHED OUT LOUD because of how FAKE they looked?
Dear Skywalker Ranch,
DUDES! I know you’re all busy building forts out of money, but when you have a crowd of 300 fucking clones all walking together, you can’t just pick three to animate differently and think that will add enough character to the bunch to make their collective movements look natural. The other 297 still move exactly the same and that looks fake. If the money forts thing is that engrossing just make them standing still like in the first trilogy, then at least they can look all noble and imperial and shit. Just FYI. Also, those of you who had any part in the Diner scene better be working on some serious good deeds before you die.
Thanks,
ak
Bob Dylan Barnes & Noble story:
Scene: Magazine stand. Johnny Quarterback and Susie Cheersalot are examining the music magazines. Johnny notices the cover of ‘Uncut,’ prominently featuring Bob Dylan.
Johnny: (Gesturing with head to show Susie) …Bob Dylan.
(Long Pause – the timing of this pause is critical – start over and when you come to this pause count one-onethousands up to five)
Susie: (Whispering, dramatically) He will never be forgoTTen.
So yes, apparently they thought he was dead. I capitalized the T’s because she emphasized the FUCK out of them.
So I took this Anthropology of Business class last semester, and really what it should have been called was GIVE US YOUR MONEY AND SIT IN A ROOM WITH AN IDIOT because the dude SO obviously had no idea what he was talking about. Consequently, I got REALLY REALLY good at nokia snake. Check it:
Ranting about The Panic Room:
Okay I know I’m about two months late on this one, but I saw Panic Room and holy crap was it good. I was all about this movie as soon as I heard about it – David fincher and Jodie Foster? How could it be bad, right? Then I saw the trailer, and it looked lame. BUT I HAD FAITH. So a friend and I went to see it in it’s opening weekend, and I was super glad I did. The next few days I tried to get everyone I know to see it but the crappy trailer had made them all decide not to see it flat out. Example of typical ‘Convince someone to see Panic Room’ conversation:
Me: The trailer is bad! I admit it, but seriously, you should see it!
Them: Chick locked in room + two hours equals fuck off. Also I hate you.
I mean, I’ve NEVER experienced this universal level of resistance when recommending a movie to people. It was easier to convince people to see a FRENCH CHICK MOVIE than this! So I decided everyone else was wrong again and told the panic room that I love it anyway and just because everyone else hates it doesn’t mean it isn’t special and left it at that. BUT THEN – that offhanded rolling stone subscription renewal FINALLY paid off – the following little blurb was tucked away in a corner of the movie section:
Second Thoughts: Digging Deeper into “Panic Room”
Screw those reviews that say David Fincher’s film has no subtext. Thry this on: The whole thing isn’t real. It’s all inside the head of the Jodie Foster Character, a woman whose rich husband has dumped her for a supermodel. The three thieves who break into her Manhattan brownstone represent her warring psyche. Jared Leto is her greedy ego – take the bastard for all he’s worth. Dwight Yoakam, in the ski mask, is the id run wild; he beats hubby to a pulp – every wronged wife’s secret fantasy. Forest Whitaker, the good thief, is the superego that controls those irrational impulses, and he alone of Foster’s phantoms lives to save the day. Think about it. Fincher’s Fight Club was really all inside the head of the Edward Norton character, who invented an alter ego to do what he could not. That’s why Panic Room sticks with us. Fincher works on a deeper level than just scares. He shows us the demons prowling around in our subconcious.
So naturally I went and saw it again, and this theory along with a couple others just made it better. It even explains one of my few gripes wiht the film, which was Jared Leto’s seemingly ridiculous overacting, but when taken in this context it totally works. All y’all doubters need to go see this movie – it’s got a hitchcockian premise, an almost criminal level of suspense, and truly insane camerawork – really, no one is more tasteful in their use of CGI to aid the telling of a story than David Fincher. Also – there were so many film papers in this movie. I swear, I need to start a business where I just see movies and then tell film majors what to write their papers on, because I totally could. Not to toot my ‘film paper thesis seeing ability’ horn or anything.
So yes, I loved Panic Room, and I can’t wait to get my hands on the DVD after seeing the insanely detailed bonus material Fincher has included on DVD’s for previous films (Se7en, Fight Club). FInally, in the interest of fairness, while I really liked pretty much every aspect of this movie I will point out that even a director I really, really like – David Fincher, for example – is doing that annoying time-stamp thing. In this one scene, Jodie Foster’s character makes a comment about Poe (the writer) and another character says “I loved their last album.”
Dear Hollywood,
CUT IT THE FUCK OUT WITH THE LAME CULTURAL REFERENCES. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY MAKE TYPING IN ALL CAPS SEEM SUBTLE.
Yer Pal,
ak
Does it make sense when I talk about this timestamp thing? Like the Macy Grey and the Chris Rock and the Poe? Because I tried to explain it to someone and they just looked at me like I was nuts. I mean, I AM nuts, but do you understand what I’m talking about, and is it as annoying to you? Or am I just reference-obsessor here?
Incredibly forced sounding segueway: The little girl from the panic room totally looks like Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes, see (Scroll down)?
SO SPEAKING OF BRIGHT EYES – I went and saw them at the Magic stick awhile back. A lot of people have completely written off Conor Oberst as lame emo, but I’ve always thought that the songwriting and lyrics in general were pretty great and would consider myself a ‘fan.’ Anyways, the last time I saw Bright Eyes they were touring in support of ‘Fevers and Mirrors’ with Grandaddy, and there were like 50 people there. When we arrived at the Magic Stick this time, it was fucking packed.
I had read some horror stories about previous Bright Eyes performances, but when Oberst and Co. (A 5 piece all-female backing band) took the stage they played what I thought was a really great set. I had preordered their new EP and recieved it well before release and was totally disappointed with it, but their performance prompted me to remove it from the top of the ‘sell’ stack and give it another listen, and now I’m fairly confident that it’ll linger in my collection for awhile longer. At any rate, I predict the forthcoming LP is going to be great, and half of it is already all over audiogalaxy. Highlights so far include “Bowl of Oranges” and “Laura Laurent.” I took some pretty good pictures too, the best of which appears below:
Oh I forget to mention that The Good Life opened up and they were TERRIBLE. It was like the dude from Cursive saw Bright Eyes getting big and was like “I can do that! Fuck!” But he totally doean’t mean it at all and his lyrics come off totally comical. Actual lyric: “Fuck Yeah I’m sad!” (Delivered with shit-eating, spotlight-loving grin.)
Sure, Conor ripped off the Cursive aesthetic a bit for desaperaciwhateveridos but the distinction here is he can pull it off. When that Good Life dude tries adopting the Oberst aesthetic and does it all Guy Smiley it just makes me want to blow up the Magic Stick while he’s playing. ALso he was ALL ABOUT saying fuck for the sake of saying fuck in EVERY SINGLE SONG, which explains why all the youngan’s were UP ON THAT SHIT.
Up until very recently my ISP was AOL. A few months back, someone somehow got ahold of my password and began sending AIM’s inviting people to check them out NUDE on their webcam. If you recieved one of these messages, chances are it wasn’t actually me. So anyways, a few months pass. The other day someone I know tells me to take a look at my AOL ‘profile.’ Apparently, the webcam porno patrol also changed my profile to the text that appears below, and I obliviously kept it for two months or so.
Profile for Adamweezer:
Member Name: ask to find out! or just call me “the hot girl i wanna fuck”!
Location: California
Sex: Female
Marital Status: IM a *SINGLE* PARTY GIRL!!!
Hobbies: flirting, sex, guys, sex, partying, sex, and more SEX!
Personal Quote: “wanna have some fun?” CLICK HERE and look at my pictures!
The link went to some porno site that isn’t there any more. So yes: please just call me “the hot girl i wanna fuck,” because that’s what I prefer these days.
In case you have a real job and aren’t able to watch cable television at 3 AM, I’ll let you know what you’re missing:
2:54 – Turn on TV. Flip through channels, stop on USA. Currently, a midget is apologizing to a chimpanzee for being mean to it. The two of them are surrounded by shapely women in red bathing suits, a deaf girl, and David Hasselhoff because this is occurring at the ass-end of an episode of Baywatch. Not to get all Dave Barry-core here but I swear to god I am not making this up. So great.
3:01 – USA Late Night Movie, ‘Dying to Belong,’ starring Mark Paul Gosselar, Hilary Swank and Six from ‘Blossom’ begins. Naturally I watch it. Two great things about this movie, both dealing with the soundtrack:
- Whenever something good happens to Hilary Swank’s character (example: The Hard-nosed editor with a heart of gold hires her to write for the campus paper) the beginning of “Heaven is a Place on Earth” is played, complete with lyrics. Just in case you missed the fact that a good thing was happening to her.
- EVERY SINGLE TIME Mark Paul Gosselar and Hilary Swank are on the screen at the same time, they play “Damn I wish I was your lover.” This happened like, three times in the portion of the movie I watched. It seemed like the soundtrack acquisitions director or whatever lame title that person would have blew the whole budget on “Heaven is a Place on Earth”: and “Damn I wish I Was Your Lover,” and GOD DAMN if they weren’t going to USE THE FUCK OUT OF THEM.
- Extra bonus great thing about “Dying to Belong:” The one thing I learned from this movie (Aside from the fact that sororities kill people and Mark Paul Gosselar brings them to justice) was that the lyrics to the song “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” contain the GENIUS passage: “SHUCKS! I wish I was your lover!” For some reason this fact had escaped my attention all these years. How great is that? I’ll answer for you: Very. Since I’m such a nice guy I’ve provided a downloadable MP3 clip of the very line of which I speak. Right click here to grab it. For increased amusement, put it on repeat.
In other “Variations on the word shucks” news:
Woman: Do you sell gift boxes?
Adam: No, sorry, we don’t.
Woman: Shucky Darns.
Actual name on actual credit card actually presented to me the other day: HI F. YU
Dream I had:
I was at a bar trying to explain how the Flashing Lights were great to some people and they kept saying “Naw dude, JIMMY EAT WORLD.” And my dream self didn’t want to be all “YEAH GREAT WHERE WERE YOU FIVE YEARS AGO” so I politely said yeah cool and then I realized that one of the dudes who kept saying JIMMY EAT WORLD was Jim Adkins from Jimmy Eat World. And then he explained to me he likes to vacation in Michigan because the people are ‘true.’ Then I woke up. What? BONUS: live photo of the Flashing Lights taken by me several weeks back – presented here for illustrative purposes.
Thing that happened to me in canada:
Adam: (In line to buy a slice of pizza, to clerk) How much is a can of pop?
[Everyone within earshot instantaneously stops talking. Seriously, it was straight out of a movie, pin-drop silence. Moving On.]
Clerk: (smiling) I dunno. Hey Brian! How much we chargin’ for a PAAAWWWWP?
Brian: (Laughing) Oh a PAAAWWWWWP’s a buck fifty.
Clerk: (Turning to me, shit eating grin on face) A PAAAAWWWWP’s a buck fifty.
Customer in front of me: I’ll have a PAWWWWWWWP.
(Laughter ensues.)
I thought that they were making fun of the fact that I said “Pop” and not “Soda,” but according to the Pop vs. Soda Controversy, the few windsor-ites who have voted go with “Pop” as well, so perhaps it was just an issue of accent. Whatever.
Awhile back, I posted a link to Laura Borealis’ website, and mentioned that you could download the music video she directed for Sebadoh’s ‘Ocean’ there. A few days after posting that update, I got an e-mail from a Jeff Kempa, letting me know that he had stumbled upon my page due to our shared surname, and that he was the guy who hugged Lou Barlow as he walked through the crowd in the ‘Ocean’ video! Mere coincidence? I think not! At any rate, sensing the chance to gain precious insight into both the production of the barlow oeuvre AND the seeming inherent good taste in music that my surname implies, I decided to Interview Jeff through Email. Below are the highlights of the exchange we had. Kempa vs. Kempa!
Hi Adam,
I don’t know if I’ve ever been interviewed before!
So, sure, I’ll do it. So, without further ado…0.) How did you get involved in the ‘Ocean’ video?
I was finishing up college in Boston and there was a request on some internet newsgroup looking for volunteers to participate in a Sebadoh video. The only requirements were that you be male, be able to spend an entire day filming and wear a heavy metal t-shirt. I borrowed an Iron Maiden shirt from my roommate from freshman year. It happened during a week that I spent after graduation but before leaving Boston, so I had the time.
I only saw it on MTV twice, though one time it was in a mall (in Singapore of all places) and someone in the store recognized me as being on TV. It was a little weird.
1.) You said in your mail that the video “didn’t turn out nearly as good as good as described while
filming.” How was it described to you?I really don’t remember how it was described precisely, but it seemed very coherent when it was described to us. Basically, Lou, the ‘sensitive guy’ had his heart broken but here is was in this testosterone-filled room with no one who could understand his sadness.
2.) Were you cast as the ‘hugger,’ or was it spontaneous?
The hugging was planned, but they did lots of hugs. I happened to be in the front when they started filming that part.
3.) If yes to (3): Did Laura Borealis (The Director) give you hugging motivation?
No specific directions, but she loved that I kept pumping my fist while hugging Lou.
4.) When you hugged Lou Barlow, could you feel the years of discomfort and heartbreak at the hands of
women cracking in his bones? (Question Courtesy of Krysta S.)I don’t think so. Isn’t he happily married? Anyways, I think he was having fun with the whole thing. He kept having trouble acting as if he were crying the whole day.
5.) Does Lou Barlow give a good hug?
Yes, I’m not ashamed to say that he does.
6.) Please list any other public figures you have hugged, on video, or otherwise.
I don’t think that I’ve hugged any other public figures, but I have a picture of Robert Pollard (of Guided by Voices) with his arm around my shoulders. I also used to have a picture of me shaking hands with baseball great Ted Williams (I’m a huge Red Sox fan).
7.) How do you feel about the last name Kempa, in general?
I like it. My wife, however, prefers to hyphenate it. A cab driver in Poland told me that it means little clumps of grass.
8.) What’s your favorite song to dance to and why?
I’m not much of a dancer (think Elaine on Seinfeld), but “Don’t Touch My Bikini” makes me shake around like I’m having a seizure or something.
9.) If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would be your last meal? please be explicit.
Hmmm, I think I would have some raw oysters for an appetizer with some sort of lobster. Oh, and a big bucket of caviar. And a LOT of good wine to wash it down. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about dying if I had a rotten hangover.
10.) when you hugged Lou Barlow, did you feel a folk implosion?
I don’t think so. I wish I could come up with a clever answer to that question.
11.) What would you want the extremely small subsection of the population of the earth that reads
kempa.com to know about you?Here’s my little biography: I’m 29, I live in Hoboken, New Jersey. I grew up in Texas and Washington state. I’m married (Danielle), no kids and work for a Canadian bank in NYC on its Derivatives Structuring/Sales desk. I watch a lot of baseball and dig Guided by Voices. I like to travel and have been to 42 countries.
So there you have it. Intriguing no? As a footnote to this little excursion into indie rock minutae, Jeff and I were speculating that we may somehow be related, as we both sprang from parents who called Buffalo, NY home at one time – and then I lost his email address. So hey Jeff if you’re reading this, I finally posted your interview, albeit a month or three late.
In other ‘The last name Kempa’ news, someone who does such things as writing proposals over lunch is apparently giving out an email address @kempa.com to their business associates. Only problem is, it’s not their correct address. The first one I got said something like this:
Jim,
It was good to talk to you I will send the proposal off tommorrow.
Thanks,
Teresa
Then a few weeks later I started getting emails from one of those cellphone email adress things. I’ve got three or four of them so far. They’ve said:
“Hey, call me soon.”
“Hey, did you get my email?”
“Do you want to get lunch today?”
The ‘lunch’ one was the latest one, so natuarally I replied with “Sure meet me at that place down the street from my office.” BWAHAHAHAHA!
Insane Author visits Barnes & Noble:
Frank McKinney, author of one of those ridiculous inspirational personal finance books dropped in on our store a few months ago in an absolutely RIDICULOUS tourbus (see photo) with his face plastered all over it.
Here is an efficient, itemized list of other interesting facts regarding his visit, composed by my fellow bookseller, Jenny:
- Was dramatically introduced to staff by MANAGER.
- Repeatedly used first names in that “Read about it in a business book way.”
- Was wearing a red velour shirt, black leather vest, matching leather pants. Also: Gold necklace w/ matching tennis bracelet.
- 7 feet tall, flowing blonde hair.
- Stole merchindise from the store.
- Was called a clown to his face by another customer.
- Got in argument with said customer.
- Repeatedly used cliched business phrases like “Rags to riches.”
- Repeatedly mentioned his upcoming Oprah appearance.
- Cut a business deal with the producer of the ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’ infomercial while in our store.
So yes. Awesome dude, that Frank McKinney. You might want to visit his website just for the obnoxious ROCK N’ ROLL flash intro, or for the fact that he put a picture of his tourbus on his page. Or to see his ‘Frequently asked questions’ that DON’T HAVE ANSWERS. Or just to see a better picture of him.
You can download a really great Faint video here and a merely so so Enon video here. The faint one wins because it’s all animated and banned from MTV and all that. Speaking of the Faint and the Bright eyes and the video, you can download all SORTS of fun video footage from the Saddle Creek website, where they post a new video on a weekly basis. Hot Damn! Finally, check out the subpop media page, where you can download all sorts of fun Shins videos, a vue video and other fun stuff like a clip of Rosie Thomas ‘In character’ as Shelia.
Found during finals week: Student Evaluation of Teaching form, showcasing a supreme wit indeed.
“Would you like to see something deleted from this course?”
“Final Exam”
“Would you like to see something added to this course?”
“Free Beer & Hot Girls.”
Guest Barnes and Noble Story from Donna B.
“A well-dressed fuckwad of a woman came in one day. I was working the
information desk, and smiled as cheerfully as humanly possible at her approach.
Donna: Can I help you find something?
Horrible Woman: I need a copy of Sugarbusters.
D: Alright. It’ll be right this way.
(I walk her to the section, all the while thinking, “Damn, lady, you should have stopped by for that book a few months ago…” I arrive at the section, hand her the book, then notice
that she is STILL looking at me expectantly, as if I should do a little “Here’s your book, yay!” dance.)D: Urm, they have the original book, and have since published a cookbook and shopping guide…. (She’s still fucking *staring* at me, so I attempt to address what, besides retardation, might be her problem.) …Though, really, I don’t know why they didn’t just put all of that information in the *book*.
HW: Well… (pauses to look at my nametag, then continues haughtily) …Donna… I guess that’s why *you* work in a *bookstore*.
D: Dhhh-ggg-uuuuhhh…
I was so fucking SHOCKED that I couldn’t even gut-punch her, much less
formulate a witty response. It is SO like a B&N customer to assume that I must possess inferior mental capabilities, or I wouldn’t be working there.
Well, you know what? Find your own fucking book, Einstein.
Okay, rant over. I feel better.”
Also: a collection of tales penned by a grocery store cashier, and the sequel.
Probably not of any interest to those in the Livonia, Michigan area, but we’re doing another summer show at Wilson Barn this year. The Flyer can be found at this address. This year’s show will feature el Boxeo, The Recital, Thunderbirds are Now, The Pop Project, and Scott Allen of RSB‘s new solo pursuit. Pass it on!
Email I got:
Subj:Kempa.com
Date:5/15/02 12:31:51 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From:
To:adam@kempa.comI was going to do an article on personal websites and interview you for (Name of Magazine), but I noticed you don’t have a link to us on your site! Who wants to
be in a magazine they don’t read anyway?(Editor)
Do people REALLY still care this much about internet links?
Email from Chris O.:
So earlier this year jason and I saw Superchunk at Magic Stick. This band called Rilo Kiley opened. I just found this out today:
- The singer/guitarist was Fred Savage’s girlfriend in “The Wizard” (and totally cute too)
- The guitar player with the weird mustache played Pinsky on Salute Your Shorts. And the band has a song called “Salute MY Shorts”.
Right on, internet!
In other famous people making music news, Steve Burns of ‘Blues Clues’ fame is making an album with members of the Flaming Lips and it’s good! Download some songs here! Alternately, buy an actual replica of Steve’s blues Clues shirt here.
I decided the other day that since no one really writes prayers any more, I would break into the literary world by becoming an author of kick-ass prayers. Here’s my first attempt:
Title: Totally.
Dude, God:
Thanks Man.
You’re totally
My number one bro.
Amen.
Oh also: This is a picture of my friend Erik with the Dad from Teen Wolf. Conversation that preceeded this photograph:
Erik: (walking, talking to me) Blah blah blah
(Both notice old guy wink at us from table, continue walking. Several seconds later, the useless knowledge area of my brain kicks in.)
Adam: That was totally Teen Wolf’s dad who just winked at us.
Erik: (Looking Back) Yep, It was.
Yet another weird Barnes & Noble customer:
The opening theme to Star Wars comes on as a middle aged woman is doing some ‘I’m on my way out’ style browsing near the front of the store. Upon recognizing the opening notes, she stands bolt upright, and proceeds to ‘conduct’ the entire piece of music, as though there were an orchestra following her direction. For the duration of the selection, she stood in the exact same place, looking straight forward, conducting. After it was over, she relexed her posture and calmly exited the store.
If you’re still bored, you can waste some time reading this insane interview with Rivers Cuomo – packed with all sorts of groupie hijinx, or you could make a south park version of yourself by clicking here. South Park-ed Adam is below.
Things you can do to make me very happy with you:
- Send me your beer bottle caps. Especially if you drink drinks that have predominantly black caps like Mike’s or MGD. In bulk prefereably. If you are willing to do this, email me and I’ll tell where to send ’em. Yes, I’m absolutely serious.
- Tell me where I can download Pulp’s music videos online.