Okay, so two weeks or so ago, I was informed that the olympic torch would be passing within a few blocks of my home. At 6:40 AM. Naturally, I decided I had to see this, so I set my alarm for that ungodly hour. Now, before I describe the atrocity that was the olympic torch experience, I should explain that, in hindsight, I was very naive about the whole thing.

     Have you ever seen those commercials on TV around olympics time where they show just one random solitary dude running along a deserted road holding the torch? Because that’s totally what I was expecting. What I was not expecting was to drag my nowhere-near-awake-yet ass out of bed at 6:30, drive up to the street where the torch was supposed to pass and find MOBS and MOBS of people. At 6:30 AM.

     I don’t even know why I wanted to go see the torch. I think mainly because it was kind of a ridiculous proposition or something. I had NO IDEA that lots of normal people (By normal people, I mean people who are not insane, like I am) would actually want to do this. So I sat at the intersection because it was super fucking cold out and I didn’t want to have to get out of my car to see this crap.

     Then the PARADE started. There were these two GIANT Coca-cola trucks driving down the road, staffed by about five people each who were grabbing 20 oz Cokes out of the truck and chucking them at frozen people on the sides of the roads. On top of one of the trucks was a dude with a megaphone who said this, I swear to god:

“It’s cold out! It’s early! But you CAME! and that… THAT’S AMERICA!”

     Moving on. How many police escorts would you think a guy carrying a torch would need? One? Two? Three? No. NO. Six. Six police escorts for a guy running with a torch. Also they sent along an ambulance and a firetruck, presumably in case he dropped the torch, caught on fire, and needed to be put out and rushed to the hospital. So ridiculous.

     Also there were three news helicopters circling my neighborhood to cover this so I just got really disillusioned with the whole thing and went home.

     In the “nobody really gives a flying fuck at a rolling donut” department, I redisigned the Recital website. It’s got an extremely brief version of the “tour” diary I never got around to writing last summer. Also, on the off chance that I don’t update again before February 15th, anyone in the Metro Detroit area should check out RSB, The Recital, The Pop Project, and The Rants at CPOP Gallery on Friday, February 15th. All ages, five bucks, doors at eight PM. Hot damn!

A review of the first episode of The Real World: Chicago that I wrote in an email to a friend:

What’s with Ms. Aggressively naked?
She’s all serving up the naked whether you want it or not.
Always with the naked.

Or in Haiku form:

Ms. Aggro Naked
all serving up the naked
always the naked

     For probably the first time since I first offered the service, I’m all caught up on 1″ button orders. If you still haven’t gotten around to ordering buttons, now’s the time.

     Suppose it is your job to take two foods and put them together into one product. Would it ever occur to you that LEMON AND/OR ORANGE PEZ and POPCORN would go together well? No. No, it wouldn’t. But that didn’t stop someone from manufacturing the product below. The only MILDLY excusable explanation that has been pointed out to me is that the resulting products sort of look like buttered and cheesy popcorn(s).

     I mean, come on. Pez-coated popcorn? You’ll be pleased to know that I sampled a bit of each and they are both disgustacular. If anyone I know wants two full bags of ass-tasting Pez popcorn, let me know.

     A really good anti-tour diary tour diary by Travis Morrison of the Dismemberment Plan can be found here. He was in Europe immediately following the September 11th attacks and does a nice job of writing around that subject.

One minute reviews of movies I’ve seen in the last two weeks:

Royal Tanenbaums:

     Everyone in the world should see this movie, ESPECIALLY if they are in any way involved in the process of making movies. This would be a good law to have because then they would see jokes don’t have to necessarily be “JOKES!” to be funny. Does that make sense? No, of course it doesn’t. Allow me to clarify. An example of a JOKE! in a present day hollywood movie:

Chris Klein: Hey man be careful! You might FALL DOWN!

A Wayans Brother: I never FALL DOWN! (Falls down)

Audience Member: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I should buy those shoes he’s wearing.

…whereas the royal tanenbaums is littered with jokes that are purely observational and are almost never explicitly referenced or even explained. So good.

Orange County:

     All the funny parts from the trailers? NOT IN THE MOVIE. That Keith Moon part? NOT IN THE MOVIE. What the fuck is that? Someone will pay for tricking me into seeing this thinly disguised coming-of-Hanks crap. Here are the only two funny parts, so you don’t have to see it:

Jack Black (To his brother): Broseph!

Jack Black (On why he is standing in front of a burning building not wearing pants): “I was running from the fire and I tripped and then I took off my pants to run faster.”

Amelie: (again)

     So good. All the time I tell my friends and acquaintances to go see this movie, and they look at me in that sort of sad, patronizing way as if to say “No Adam, I will not see that movie because there are movies with Chris Klien in them coming out.” but what they really say is “Yeah I should see that…(trails off and backs away slowly)” while in their brain they are thinking “WHEN WILL HE FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT THIS GAY FRENCH MOVIE!?” But yes, I saw it again, and I am right.

     Were you just thinking: “I wonder how perfectly Destiny’s Child’s “Bootylicious” and Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” would fit together if someone were to try that sort of thing?” Well then you’re in luck! Here’s an MP3! Also: Christina Aguilera grafted onto the Strokes (MP3)! All from this crazy site.